How did we get here?
How
are your sinks, toilets, shower and security system all just a bucket? (to be
fair different buckets, varying sizes)
Goddamnit
you were such a sweet kid. All three of your frail suburban relatives told me
your smile could light up the room.
Jessica, tell me your trauma… go ahead….take
your time.
(We’re
inviting anyone that likes money and having money to double down on childhood
molestation…now)
J(unkie): I didn’t like my stepfather.
Me: The fuck you say, girl???
Yup, didn’t even have the decency to be molested. Her mother had a deadbeat
ex-husband that Jessica thought was super-cool and didn’t like when she
remarried, Gary.
And
so, she followed her biological father around like a loving puppy, seeking his attention
and his approval, classic mistake. Her real father loved drugs, so much!!! So
sooo much. His bad influence could turn
her into a monster….
He promptly did the right thing and died of an overdose. It was a tragic teaching moment
for Jessica. She saw firsthand the inevitable dangers of a living a life filled
with drug abuse. TWIST: Her dad (the trickster) got Jessica addicted before kicking the bucket. (April,
FOOLS!) The details of his death were undisclosed, but if genetics played their
rightful role I’m sure his death was bucket related. He was dead forever and nobody liked him
anyway. But more on him later…. (Actually, no there isn’t.)
Where is she now? Here with Jose.
Now
everyone knows that stocky Latin American males with crippling narcotic
dependencies braid the BEST hair right? Well that goes double for Jessica’s
vein squeeze, Jose. His gnarled tar stained fingers twist her rotten bee’s nest
haystack hair into Art. An intravenous de Milo. He’s a lot like her father, who
I refuse to mention again if only to reminder everyone how they are alike in their probably dead-nowness.
(…daddy
issues)
With
her hair looking Ahhh-Mazing, she passes out. But not before thanking Jesus and
making this face.
The Facts: Jessica spends around $3,500 a
week on Drugs. She affords this by stealing. (hookin’ not an option)
Fact: Facts always lie because there is no
way she’s making that much money.
Fact: Her mom floats most of the cash. She calms
her own conscious by physically looking the other way while doing so.
She also has a really boring husband that I
assume is an aspiring wrestler and four kids that she “loves more than anything
in the whole wide world” named, Aliayah, Mickele, Gabby Girl and ?Valentino? I
know their names because they’re written on the walls of her…kitchen, I think
she said that was the kitchen. Despite chunks of sheet rock missing on the same
wall (where obviously the copper pipes have been stripped) I’m happy to report
their names are still clearly legible.
Thank god for small blessings, am I right?
 |
| 4 beautiful babys |
The Reward at the End of the Light
So,
where do they think they’re going? They
usually say to the “final interview” but c’mon. Something’s up when you pull
into a Comfort Inn with conference rooms available. I’ve always pondered.. do
these people watch the show?
Try
this trick: Watch the intervention portion of any episode with the sound off. Everyone
just looks like they’re about to sing. The
‘vention itself is totally bland (no flavor at all), classic BRACAT*. She ends
up getting totally better and we find out her boring ass husband was a drug addict
all along.
Your
mom’s gold bedazzled Uggs are negatively affecting me in the following ways:
I
hate them.
*For the uninformed. This is Bullshit!, Run Away, Cry, Accept Treatment.